Patient H69

  A NOTE ON THE AUTHOR

  Vanessa Potter is a former television producer turned science communicator. Since her illness, Vanessa has worked on science-art projects with neuroscientists at the University of Cambridge, given a TEDx talk in Ghent, Belgium, and written several articles for The Telegraph, Marie Claire and Mosaic Science. Vanessa is currently working on a collaborative EEG project with her science friends at Cambridge. She lives in London with her husband and two children.

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  For E, M and L

  Contents

  Foreword

  Introduction: The Story of Patient H69

  Part 1: DIARY OF EVENTS

  Chapter 1: MMXII

  Chapter 2: Snake Bite

  Chapter 3: The Pillow

  Chapter 4: D-Day

  Chapter 5: Home

  Chapter 6: Mowbray Road

  Chapter 7: Painting Project 1

  Part 2: DIARY OF THE SCIENCE

  Chapter 8: The Science of My Sight

  Chapter 9: The Art of Seeing

  Chapter 10: Synaesthesia

  Chapter 11: Memory

  Chapter 12: Making No Sense

  Chapter 13: Cambridge Science Festival 2015

  Chapter 14: 20/200

  Chapter 15: Time Traveller

  Appendix I: The beach: A visualised sanctuary

  Appendix II: Visualisation guide

  Further Reading

  Acknowledgements

  Index

  Foreword

  An accident is always a reminder of human frailty. We experience strong emotions when confronted with a surprising situation involving, for example, one minute going for a latte or cappuccino on a misty morning, and the next driving a loved one to hospital in an emergency. Brain accidents are particularly gruelling and emotionally exhausting as they affect not only the physical status of the person, but also their mind, personality and even identity. Whether such an accident is the product of a traffic accident or an internal brain event, you may not be the same if you recover, and your plans, dreams and life as you know it may be altered forever.

  That is what happened to Vanessa Potter four years ago. She went from being a busy professional, married with two children and in good health, to becoming blind and losing her sense of touch almost completely within three days. In this book, Vanessa describes the progression of her illness in a gripping, engaging manner. Even though I knew the story I could not put it down, and I still cannot let it go.

  In the summer of 2014 I had returned from nine months of research in Australia, and was transitioning from neuroscientist at the Medical Research Council, Cognition and Brain Institute, to a new job as a lecturer at the Department of Psychology, University of Cambridge. Even though life was very hectic, I was relaxed. In fact, I did not find life in Cambridge very exciting in those days – I had nostalgia for my life in Oz, and the adventures and travelling. But then I met Vanessa Potter, a media producer who had willed herself to turn her life from that of a patient, to someone who made life an adventure for herself and others. She wanted to create a full-blown art-science exhibition, and for one of the installations she needed a scientist to help her turn her brainwaves into something that the audience could feel, touch and understand. This was where I came in.

  Unlike other patients who experience an unusual (neuroscientists call it ‘original’) neurological event, Vanessa did not follow a traditional path to recovery. Her brain event terrified her at first, before she turned to analysis and learned to fight, reinventing the meaning of her illness and creating a new identity as Patient H69, which allowed her to grow. Throughout her illness and recovery, she began to find herself; using analyses of perception, memory, and a consciousness of her internal and external worlds, she went on to redesign and rediscover her self. This is a journey of recovery in the widest sense, far beyond just gaining a second sight. It is a trip into the soul and the brain that makes us truly understand who we are and what we need to change and, as Vanessa discovered, the fact that we need to use knowledge and our will as powers to aid recovery.

  You think you know who you are, but actually it takes a whole lifetime to get to know yourself – unless you use the fast route and live furiously and take risks, but even that might not suffice if you do not come close to death or the full loss of your senses. The breakthroughs in life are scarce, and most of us do not explore them in enough depth to make them count for anything. It takes introspection to make the most of a significant experience – good or bad. This is what Vanessa did.

  This is a beautiful book for many reasons, and I only mention a few that are dear to me. There’s the personal, emotional aspect, and the depth of description of the essence and situation of the states of awareness that Patient H69 traversed. The text also goes into how people matter, and in what way those in your life matter, and it takes you on the journey Vanessa goes on. The event, the loss, the slow recovery and the description of the characters create the same visual stimulation that a play or film provokes. For a book about the loss of seeing, the scenery is fantastic. Then Vanessa confronts that difficult part of consciousness and its contents that we take for granted, and find hard to describe accurately. It is a place mostly reserved for poets and great novelists, yet we find it here, in the skilled writing of the story, the plot and the emotions intertwined with the science.

  Lastly, we discover the core of what helping means and what understanding is when a piece of the engine is broken, and it is the importance of the people involved in this story that make it what it is. As a scientist and friend I am immensely proud of this book and of Vanessa. As a reader I am delighted to learn about, enjoy and experience the feelings, sensations and reactions she herself experienced. I struggled to write this foreword at first, but then I followed the path of Patient H69 – relearn, research, accept, go back to the fight, say what you think and feel, and describe what you have learned.

  Dr Tristan Bekinschtein,

  Lecturer, University of Cambridge


  INTRODUCTION

  The Story of Patient H69

  Let me introduce myself. I am patient H69. Of course, you know my given name, but for now I’m just Patient H69, because this story is simply about a patient, one of the many anonymous individuals, right now, lying in a crisp white hospital bed. We all have a story to tell – this just happens to be mine. Being a patient changed the contours of who I am. It has compelled me not just to tell my story, but also to investigate and uncover the science of what was happening to me on the inside.

  When in 2012 I unexpectedly and abruptly lost my sight at the age of forty, the experience unlocked a deep reverence for the incredibly curative ability of my brain. Opening my eyes onto nothingness, my response was to take a deep breath in and dive down deep inside my inner watery self to find a way of mentally controlling my world instead. I sought an understanding and explanation of what was happening to me that was meaningful, and of some tangible use.

  This psychological response was so primal that I was totally unaware of it at the time. Only much later, when listening to hours of audio recordings which I had made during that time, could I hear my own faraway voice narrating my story back to me. This has given me the unusual opportunity of actually hearing what I was saying during a time when all I can remember is the sound of my own blood rushing in my ears.

  This book is split into two parts. Part One offers a diary-like account of what it was like to lose my sight over a period of just seventy-two hours. I then take some of the most peculiar and bizarre occurrences during my recovery, and try to bring to life the extraordinary visual rebirth I experienced. Here I start to ask questions and challenge myself with a series of visual tests that take me on a journey I had never imagined. This account is raw, and as far as I can manage a candid retelling of events, including the emotional effects my sudden blindness had on both my family and myself.

  Part Two chronicles my own personal scientific voyage, during which I talked directly to scientists who helped me to unravel these strange visual experiences and make sense of them. Here I encountered the difficult task of deciding which of the scientific revelations I had made should be included in this book, and I now know that this learning journey is not yet over – my illness was simply the start of it. I also reveal the unexpected adventures and opportunities that fate had in store for me. The book draws to a close with how I now perceive a somewhat different world, and the tactics I employ to negotiate my new visual landscape.

  I have tried to portray myself as neither victim nor survivor, simply telling this story how it was at the time, warts and all. There was an invisible army of friends and family who took over the reins to my life, and who kept a vigil by my side during one of the most harrowing periods of my life. They are present throughout this book, interwoven like silent guardians in among the story I tell.

  Much of the content is written using the audio diary I recorded daily, so it openly portrays my response to the drama unfolding around me. I hope that this book not only gives some insights into my unusual visual reawakening, but also offers a glimpse of what some of the other anonymous patients lying in their hospital beds might be feeling right now. A plate section towards the centre of the book presents some of the images from my story, and for the visually impaired I have provided a description of each image on my blog (patienth69.com/the-book/visual-descriptions-of-book-illustrations/).

  This is the story of Patient H69.

  Frozen moments

  Telling a story is like painting a picture, so to build up the layers I offer a series of frozen moments snatched from my old life – the life I had before everything changed. Some of these memories catapult back to my childhood and to important events in my life, illustrating how the past, combined with our personality and upbringing, often sculpts the present.

  We all have a survival instinct deep within us, and this innate response surfaces when we perceive danger, or find ourselves in a threatening situation. Every experience we have shapes our beliefs and attitudes, and affects the way in which we will respond – it paves the path we will walk, so to speak. Sometimes we can even pinpoint an isolated incident that happened years before, which caused a particular belief to emerge, and in turn created a set of behavioural patterns. These patterns can then have a huge impact on any future experiences, and indeed our relationships with others.

  I had already developed strategies using visualisation to manage fear as best I could two years previously, so it’s not surprising that these mechanisms were repeated again, even if I didn’t realise this was happening. My original motive for using meditation was for self-preservation, but had I been asked at the time, I would have said it was to cope with the situation in hand. What I hadn’t realised back then was that I was safeguarding the future, too.

  For us to predict and understand our physical environment, our brains reference millions of past experiences. This constant feed of data is squirrelled away deep within the brain, and every piece of incoming information – every experience and every thought process – can affect how our brain is configured. This in turn affects how we respond and make decisions in the future, even when we’re unaware of it.

  Memories are a funny thing; they pop up sometimes, even when we don’t know why. The memories I share were some of the ones circling inside my mind, hovering just out of reach during the onslaught of my illness. My brain was making connections, but at the time I didn’t understand the significance of these recollections, sitting in the wing mirror of my consciousness. It’s only now as I tell this story that I realise how important they are.

  Permit me, then, to occasionally pause this story to share these vignettes with you, for they provide the otherwise missing context and meaning – the backstory, if you like. Collectively I hope they shine some light on why I responded to my illness in the way I did.

  PART ONE

  DIARY OF EVENTS

  CHAPTER ONE

  MMXII

  My story begins in 2012, when I was a seasoned broadcast producer making all those tiresome adverts you can now so helpfully fast forward through. I was happily married to Ed, whom I had known for more than ten years, and we lived in Crystal Palace, a leafy part of south-east London, with two small, energetic children. I should tell you straight off that Ed is the opposite of me, with a distinctly laissez-faire attitude towards life. He’s the one swinging our children around by their arms and legs as I’m pushing him out of the door in the morning.

  We were both, well, just normal. By the summer of that year I was at a bit of a crux in my life. Should I stick with producing, and spend 70 per cent of my time at work dealing with the many high-octane personalities that my industry attracts (that’s the nice way of putting it), not to mention the increasingly unrealistic budgets and schedules that were being imposed on us more often than not?

  In truth, my life involved sprinting out of work to squeeze myself onto an overcrowded train, my foot tapping impatiently at every red signal. I’d then jog to my car to don rally-driver gloves in order to pick up our children from their childminder in time. There wasn’t a day that I got home without finding them fast asleep on the back seat when I finally turned off the engine. It was like living on the M1, and it didn’t suit any of us. Ed had an arduous daily commute to a job he was less than enamoured with, so like many women who hide an invisible apron under their professional veneer, I was bearing the sole weight of our domestic life.

  I therefore decided that as I was freelance (and the idea is that you can take time off), I would spend that summer with the children. No work, and no tantrums (I’m talking about adult ones as there is no escaping the juvenile variety). I was going to have picnics in the park with wasps and demands for the loo at the furthest point from them. We were going to have family fun and some quality time together – damn it.

  It actually turned out to be quite a stressful summer, as we didn’t have a school place for our daughter (a stiflingly long story I won’t go into here), so it wasn’t all happy day
s. But at least I was getting more vitamin D than I’d had in years, and I loved the lazy mornings and digging in the garden, even if it did mean that the house looked as if a tornado had just passed through it.

  It was in September of that year, when our daughter was finally offered a place at our local school and the new term started, that a shadow started to creep over our lives. Halfway through that month, a flu-like virus hit me with crushing migraines and hot sweats that kept me bedridden for most of the time. I am not one for remembering specific dates – I tend to recall events by more visual means. However, I now have a date seared forever into my memory, for it delineates the path my life was to take.

  On Sunday, 30 September 2012, I had recovered sufficiently for us to visit the Malvern Show in Worcestershire with family friends. I remember this date particularly, because it was to be the last day of that normal life.

  Dragons and fairies, Saturday, 29 September 2012

  I’m sick of being sick. I’ve had enough of feeling as if I don’t fit into my own body anymore. I am overwearing sweatpants continuously for ten days straight, shivering and sweating at night. I can’t bear the thought of washing my hair and so the whole smell of illness pervades me.

  Today is the first day I can gently pull on jeans without my skin screaming abuse, and Ed smiles encouragingly as he hands me a cup of tea. With relief, I remember we are taking our children to their drama group, which is held in the back room of our local cafe. Ed and I gently push small bodies inside and close the door on animated howls and whoops that are no longer our concern.

  Flopping onto a chair next to Ed, I feel I’m over the worst of the illness that has taken over my life. It’s a delicate balance, and my wobbly legs move robotically, cautiously, every step an experiment. I’m okay, but only okay. I’d like to rest a bit more, but that just doesn’t happen when you have two small bodies repeatedly bouncing on your bed at 6 a.m. I acknowledge with a silent sigh the inevitability that since I’m now able to stand upright again, I will simply jump back onto my life’s roundabout and, one foot pounding the floor, get it spinning again.